From the monthly archives:

May 2009

Healing Wounds For Good

by James Steubing on May 18, 2009

Over the past six months, one of the most profound things God has done in our marriage has been to resolve lingering hurts once and for all.  Steph and I have learned a powerful process that allows that to happen and I want to share it with you.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her

Ephesians 5:25

The process to resolve wounds we have caused our spouse is really simple yet it’s easy to let our emotions derail the healing process.  By skipping some important steps during an argument or discussion, we miss a huge opportunity to close the door forever to those painful areas of the heart.  The end result is that the pain keeps resurfacing and comes out during otherwise minor issues.  Neither side understands what is happening and the absence of resolution causes the hurt to get bigger and bigger.

I believe the key to closing these doors is to clearly acknowledge the pain you have caused.  The faster you do it, the faster they can let go of it.  It does not matter what the pain is over.  It does not matter if they misunderstood you and took your actions the wrong way.  What matters is that something you did hurt them and they need to heal from it.  If your heart is in the right place, you will see the hurt for what it is and realize that you alone have the power to heal it.

Now, our natural instinct is to defend ourselves.  Don’t do it.  If you acknowledge the pain and then follow it with “but I (fill in your justification here)…”  you end up nullifying the acknowledgement and are back at zero which leaves the wound open.  The issue may go away for a while, but the hurt is still there and when you least expect it, your hearing about it again.  I can tell you first hand that the peace I get from resolving the pain in her life is much sweeter than the pride I get from defending myself.  To be honest with you, more often than not, I knew she was right but I was too stubborn to admit it.  I felt that mixing in some justification was a compromise and it helped me keep some honor, but in reality I was trashing her feelings for the sake of my pride.  My lack of humility was grieving God and prolonging the suffering of my wife.

If you will go through this process each time a hurt is exposed, you will find that root issues will come to the surface too.  Hurts she did not even understand will now be crystal clear to her.  Acknowledge your part in the root pain and watch it vanish forever.  If it’s a really deep wound it may come up again, but if your willing to keep acknowledging your part in it, God will heal it forever.

Another key ingredient is true repentance.  You have to mean what you are saying and you have to stop doing the thing that caused her the pain to begin with.  When she sees this happening it allows that scab to heal over.  The whole ordeal may leave a scar, but that’s a lot better than a sore that never heals.  Scars eventually fade away and most of the pain endured to get the scar is forgotten.  The closeness and trust that she gains in you is well worth the mark that will fade over time.

This process is not just for you to follow with your spouse.  You can apply it to your children, parents, friends and family, co-workers.  Anyone in your life which you experience conflict with.

Once you begin to practice this process properly you will see your relationship change.  Arguments will be over much sooner.  They will happen far less often.  After a while you will realize that the issues that used to come up often no longer come up at all.  You will look back and see how much closer God has brought you to her.

Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

Ephesians 5:1-2

If you desire to be a better husband and have a more intimate relationship with your wife, I highly recommend the book Devotions for a Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas.  You basically go through one devotion a week with your wife and the content you cover is awesome.  It helps you understand how God uses marriage to expand our souls and make us holy.  It helps you grow closer to Him as well as closer to her.  If you are not doing a regular devotion with your wife, you need to be and this weekly devotion is a great one to get started with.  If you are already doing devotions with your spouse, this devotion will bring a fresh perspective on how God can mature you through your marriage.  I recommend it highly.


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Take The First Steps

by James Steubing on May 7, 2009

Foot Steps In Sand

As I write this post, I am speaking to myself as well.  You see, I created this blog three months ago and then became paralyzed with indecision about where to start.  I have a lot of great things to share in regards to what God has done in my life and how He has transformed me and know that He wants me to start sharing it with others, but fear set in and stopped me from moving forward with the site.  

I found myself battling with where to start and with thoughts of doubt.  Will my messages be read?  Will anyone care?  Who am I to be telling anybody anything anyway?  After three months of hesitation God continues to remind me that I have changed and I do have something to offer other men.   That He has transformed me and that others need to be hearing how God did it in me and how He can do it in them too.  So with that, I will take the leap with a simple message.  Just start doing the things you know you are supposed to do and God will take care of the rest.

First, I believe you need to admit to God that doing things your way has failed you.  He can’t begin to transform you until you are willing to be transformed.  Acknowledging your weaknesses to God and giving him permission to change you is key.  Yes, I know. God already knows your junk, but He needs to hear you admit that your powerless to change without Him.  Humbling yourself before God is a critical step in the process to becoming the man who God created you to be.  David illustrates that fact time and time again.

Second, get in the word.  Learn what God says about overcoming and who He created you to be.  The book of Romans is a great place to start.  Get the religious junk off and start walking in the power Jesus provides every man if they will use it.

Third, find men in your life who have a solid relationship with God and share your struggles with them.  The devil’s most effective tactic to cripple a man is to get him alone and keep him there.  Alone in his thoughts.  Alone in his sin.  The moment you begin sharing your struggles with men who have already overcome the major issues in their life, you will see a dramatic change in your own.  The shackles will fall off and you will have the strength and energy to overcome.  You will have a freedom to overcome.  If you do not know any Godly men that you can confide in, ask God to bring some into your life.  You can’t fight the culture around you alone.  You have to ask for help and be willing to accept it.

You also need to heed the biblical advice given to you.  If you are given good advice and do nothing with it, you are a fool.  Don’t be that guy.

Fourth, read some good books on the subject.  I highly recommend you read and re-read Wild at Heart by John Eldredge.  God used this book and it’s simple message to open my heart and help me realize that He created me to be courageous and strong.  To be alive and free and help my wife and children be overcomers as well.  As you read this book, I highly recommend you underline and make notes when something touches your heart.  This will help you later when you re-read the book to see your progress and allow you to revisit those areas of your heart.  God wants you to be an overcomer and this book will help you get there.

Fifth, if you are married, be open with your spouse.  Don’t keep it all to yourself.  Share with her your hurts, fears and needs.  She needs to be a part of this journey with you and she needs to know she can count on you to do the same with her.  Going through this process with her will strengthen your marriage, illustrate to your children a proper model and put the enemy on his tail.  If your issues are too big to resolve together, seek out some help from your pastor or a good Christian counselor.  

Lastly, start stepping out in faith.  Take those first few steps which will lead to the next few steps and so on.  God will be there with you, every step of the way.


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